So you want to be an actuary...

Well, sort of. I want something different in my life. I actually took the initiative and emailed like 10 people yesterday with questions regarding actuarial sciences; how to get in the profession, what I need to know to take the tests, etc and so on. 2 people responded. Whoop de shit. They were both helpful, don't get me wrong. I would've liked to hear from one of the firms that I contacted. College professors are great, but I want to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

I downloaded a practice exam. 82 printed pages, 123 questions. I guess they give you 3 hours to take this first one (probability), so I might sit down this weekend and take it. They also give you the solutions, which I haven't looked at yet. I want to see how badly I can remember all this stuff first. I don't think it will be too helpful. But I'm going to try. I want to do something. I'm bored and sad and depressed. I was actually thinking that if I can nab a job in this field (where, even without any exams passed, the starting salary is around $50,000 a year. I need to get my foot in the door first) I can move out. I even emailed some people in PA kinda close to Reading (shhh) so maybe if I can get in I'd at least have a couple of prospective roommates for the area. Maybe. A lot of maybes. I should've emailed some people in Kentucky/Evansville. I almost did, except they were in Louisville and that's kinda far from Smith Mills. I'll think about it though. Evansville is most definitely a possibility I think (I forgot to look up Indiana firms).

Here goes nothing anyway. I can't take any exams anyway until February because I missed all the deadlines for the fall. Which I'm kinda pissed about. I have no one to blame but myself for that one. Also, looking at study guides and such, I was kinda impressed. Most are just around $100, which is how much I was paying for my textbooks at school. I thought they would be more, since this is more voluntary.

Now that I have direction, I need a woman. And the only woman I want, well....we all know that sad song.

Have a good night folks.

Moving on..

So how does one meet people? Anyone? How do you single, lonely folk do it? I'm sick of sitting at home doing nothing, arguing with my family. I'm bored, lonely, looking for something to do. Going to the bar or clubs or what have you by myself seems silly. But, then again, I have few friends. And the ones I do have aren't even around me. Makes me more lonely and more apt to stay in at night. I'm sure eventually I'll start meeting people from somewhere, but what are you gonna do.

Well...

Now that I know other people read this, I should be more conservative with what I say and how I say it.

I'm doing better. A lot better. She's not going to be totally out of my life, which I like. It will never happen beyond just really really really really really really great friends though, which I don't mind. Makes me feel a little on the lonely side, but that's all right. Things will come together for me. We both love each other very much, but she has a such a better thing going on for her down there, I'm stupid to get in the way. I'm going to let her live her life.

Now, I talk an awful lot about her. And it's understandable. I guess I don't talk enough about me though. What to say about me? I'm doing better, as I said. But I do feel lonely. I need to get out more and meet new people, but I don't have the faintest idea how to do that. Going out to bars and clubs and "the scene" is just stupid on your own. I don't really have friends or anything like that to go out with. It feels silly but that makes me feel more alone. I mean, I don't mind sitting at home and watching tv or reading or what not, but after what I experienced with Brittney, I want some more of that. Companionship. Someone who makes me feel good (no one will ever reach the level that Brittney reached with that though) and good about myself (ditto here). Maybe someday, somehow, I'll meet someone.

I'm just happy for her. She's in a good situation for her right now. She needs to be. She's had a hard, crazy life and she needs to settle. And that's what he does for her. Something I wouldn't be able to give her right now. I'm happy for her and that makes me happy. I feel all right. I'll get to talk to her once in a while, which is fine by me.

Pete, Joe, if you guys read this (well Pete anyway), I need a road trip. Anyone got any room?

So I feel better

I feel a little better today. I've said to her just about everything I can and it feels good to let that stuff off my chest. Now I just gotta get back on the wagon.

Still feel sad and lonely and depressed. Don't know how long that is going to last. How long does it take to get over the love of your life? Anyone?

We want to remain friends. I'd kinda like that. Might make the grieving process a little tougher, but right now I need her. For a little while. Like training wheels. Just as a friend. I know, as of right now, that there can't be anything more between us. In the future? I don't know. It doesn't feel "permanent", but I also can't get my hopes up. I want to steal her away forever and I know she wouldn't mind, but that would still be wrong of me.

I hope I can meet a girl that's just as wonderful and pretty as she is. It's a tough combo and she pulls it off. Her guy is the luckiest SOB alive. Mark it down.

I really don't know what to say. Mark this on your calendar. Tomorrow I might be all sad and pathetic again. Better get me while I'm hot. You don't want to pass up a blubbering fool who's ripe for the picking. (caveat: must be within at most an hours drive...long distance isn't gonna work).

Patriots get ass kicked; I get more depressed

With the Patriots losing horribly at home today, 41-17, I got my sign. Things will never be the same for me. It's a metaphor that speaks volumes to me. The end of the Patriots dynasty comes with the end of all good things to me. Sure, they are only 2-2 and can easily bounce back, as can this relationship (metaphorically speaking), but it assures the way I feel all this week. A week that culminates in this. I'm still nervous and shaking as I think about what has become.

I think about this fat girl at the bowling alley last night with two kids and she has to be under 20 years old. Where would my life be with a kid about now? Probably even more crazy and disturbed than it already is. But I'd like a family soon. Not now, but soon. When I can get everything together that needs to be sorted. A steady, well-paying job. A nice girl that wants to bear my children. A home, outside of this place. Some day, all those things will come together. I guess my biggest worries right now are finding a better job than what I have, so I have some sort of insurance. The job isn't bad and given time, they might ask me to stick around for the long haul. But I can't depend on that.

I'm shaking so bad I can't even type. I guess I'll just let this fly.