I can't take it anymore

I have to write something down. I don't care who sees it because my head is going to explode. I've been sick to my stomach all week, I can't eat. All I think about is everything and nothing all at the same time. The next few "paragraphs" are going to seem rambled, but that is only because they are. I can't organize my thoughts anymore.

She (we) finally decided that enough was enough and it ended this past Monday when she informed that "you know who" was coming over. This wasn't the first time that she had done this, but this was the first time she had the decency to tell me about it and finally put an end to it. Mostly because she "couldn't stand it anymore". Well I could dammit! I know it was tough but I was really trying! I don't understand why two people who love each other have to have conflicting views about what is best for each other. I was fine with her. Apparently she wasn't fine with me. I still say it's because of the distance and my parents, because when we were together, it was magic. Pure magic.

All I think about is her. All I think about is hoping that he screws up again, like it is inevitable he will. I'm just waiting for her to call, crying, telling me that she broke up with him again. The guy is just too possessive and won't give her space when she needs it. All right. Back up. I know that sounds a little hypocritical, but it's not. Even though we were a million miles away, and we were in love, I let Brittney do as she pleased. If she wanted to go out with her friends, I didn't bitch and moan. This guy does. He won't let her see her friends, but he forces her to go out with him and his friends all the time. Double standard?

She was my life. I put her above everything else. Mostly because I don't matter. I've never mattered and I will never matter. I am nothing. Now I have nothing. Interesting. Anyway, I put her ahead of everything in my life. I tried to anyway. I didn't do anything without talking to her about it first. I thought that was fair. I gave her gifts on important days, like her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day when she was really upset...I tried to make her happy and I tried to love her unconditionally. I think I succeeded. Then why is/was she so eager to just push me away out of her life?

Honestly, it comes back to distance and money. I am pretty sure that, if I get my life back on track and put away a decent amount of money and try to get things in order with my parents, that I/we can make this work. I know she wants to. I know she's only back with him because she's trying to do the same thing. I, however, can't be with anyone else and I don't know if I can ever be with anyone else. I put so much time and effort into this relationship that if I tried to do the same with anyone else, it wouldn't be worth it. I went all the way down there to visit her. She's 10 states and 18 hours away. Now I'm scared to ask out a girl only an hour away! Makes no sense. I was ready to go. Still am. But I'm convinced that this will not last. I try to think of it as temporary, like my current job. That, with time and money, things will be back on track and we will be happy. I cannot be happy. She felt alone when we were "together"..no fuck it, I'm taking away the quotes. ...when we were together. I was never alone because I could always call her up and talk to her and she always made me feel better. She made me feel good about myself, and she still does.

I'm trying not to initiate conversation with her because it hurts so bad. I don't even know what to say without crying. There is still so much I want to say to her, and I've gotten a lot of it off my chest already. I have a million questions that will go unanswered. I told her not to be a stranger, that she can still call and talk to me, but while she's with him I know she won't. She's too scared because the guy will go off the deep end. I guess the other day she told him about me and I'm just assuming that's where all this came from. I know what happens when you assume, but when you are in this sort of relationship for over 4 years, you kinda understand someone and how they work. She has a hard time expressing her feelings and emotions, and when she finally told her mother how she felt about me, I knew it took a lot of out her. She didn't feel relieved though. She felt more pressure. That's what most of this relationship was about, pressure. Pressure to do something now. We are only 22! We have our whole lives to act. Maybe not our whole lives, but I mean..why can't we just relax and prepare ourselves for it instead of acting so harshly? I mean, I would've gone and moved. But according to her, "that time was a long time ago".

This feels silly writing all this down. I want to say a lot (if not all) of it to her, but I don't know how to do it and what kind of response I will get. I feel stupid. I feel betrayed. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I feel like I've been played for the past four years. I don't know how to feel because I still do love her a lot and I think about her all the time. I don't know what to do or how to get over it. I can't get over her. That's never going to happen. Every girl I meet from here on out is going to be compared to her and they just won't stack up. I know they won't. Do you believe in Soul Mates? Me either, until I met her. Things just clicked, and I still feel that magic. And I know she does too. I just know it.

It might take more time and energy, but I'm going to prove to her that the best thing for us to stick with each other. I don't know if there is anyone else out there for me that could even stand me. I'm a dirty, vile human being that doesn't deserve anything. No one wants me. I'm ugly and extremely white and I say stupid things.

There's still so much more I could probably say but I better stop. This thing is long enough. I apologize for the rambling nature of it and the length. But most of all, I apologize to you, Brittney. If you even read this. I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I was so far away. I had a lot of fun with you and I wish you nothing but the best. I can't reiterate that enough.

Wireless Internet Is Cool

So I got the internet in my room now. Meaning I don't have to fight with everyone when I want to use it. It also means I'm an addict/loser.

Still trying to get a job. It's a long weekend, and for us unemployed it sucks. It's not like we look forward to having the day off or something. I hope to find a job this week. It's not like I can't find one. If I actually sat down and called everyone, I could nail a job 8/10 times most likely. Why don't I? Lots of reasons actually. Not that I'd actually start naming them.

I really don't have any comments on what's happening in New Orleans. I mean I do, but it's best that I probably don't write them down. Someone could google "New Orleans", come to this, and become so horrified that I start getting hate mail. It's possible. Yes, it's a tragedy. Yes, it's horrible. But, yes, better them than me. Still wish I could've actually seen it before it became Atlantis.

Isn't a blog just for random thoughts and such?

Those of you who have deep relationships that ended, how did you get over it? Are you? Is it possible to get over it and move on with your life? Still trying to contemplate on this one...

Red Sox won again today, 4 up on the Yanks with the Pinstripes playing tonight. Braves were tied with the Reds, but who is worried about them? Not me! Up 4.5 on Philly. Funny how far the Nats fell. Same ol' Expos.

Gonna go walk the dog before it gets too dark.